Get OFF THE BLOODY ROAD!

Dear Suicidal Early-Morning Jogger,


Riverview line is beautiful in the pitch black at 5am isn't it? Those thin reflective strips on your jacket really saved your life this morning as my headlights caught you running on the road, on a curve, just before my sideview mirror would have clipped your elbow. And when I swerved into oncoming traffic to avoid killing you at the last minute, that was awesome too. You know what would have been super amazing? If all of us had died because you feel the need to jog on the road in the dark. Don't get me wrong, I really admire your tenacity. However, there are perfectly good sidewalks just down the road that we all pay for with good tax-payers dollars. Maybe you should jog on those in your black outfit with the tiny reflective stripes. While you're on your health kick, maybe you should consider mental health... MY mental health. Do you have any idea what running you down and possibly causing a head-on collision would have done to me? Or the people in the other car? Or our families? I hope your cardio health is worth that.

Here's a thought. Jog in the DAYLIGHT. ON THE SIDE OF THE BLOODY ROAD. OR USE A SIDEWALK.

Sincerely,
All early morning drivers everywhere.

When I Grow Up I'm Going To Marry John Mayer

I've made a very important decision.. are you paying attention?  A very important LIFE CHANGING DECISION.

When I grow up... I'm going to marry John Mayer.  For Real.  I've been listening/watching him on You Tube All morning and seriously, he's really my soul mate.  Don't tell him, but I was actually looking for something ELSE on You Tube when I clicked on his video by accident.  I knew of him... mostly from that "body is a wonderland" song that they played over and over on the radio until I wanted to scream.  It is a really good song, but I don't think I could listen to ANYTHING 20 times a day.  Anywhoo, back to my fiance.

His music is poetically written and he is a genius at sending a message with his words.  If we could all express ourselves this well the world would be at peace and they would figure out how to make chocolate flavoured spinach.  Some songs make me want to jump up on a podium for a cause and change the world, while others make me want to go hug everyone I see and tell them how wonderful I think they are.  There are a few which make me want to purchase a sniper rifle and hide out in a bunker waiting for my ex to walk by... but they are few.  There are LOTS that make me evaluate my life, for better or worse.  Even if you are not interested in his soft, smokey voice (his voice is a synonym for sex), you have to appreciate the message in the songs.  Plus, if you aren't tapping your foot or doing some sort of head bob by the end of the song you have no rhythm and something is broken inside you.

When he finally gets around to proposing to me (hubby will understand... I mean COME ON, it's John Mayer), I will send you all invites.

Garage Wars

This is my house.  It's very cute, in a nice neighbourhood, and every once in a while I have to pinch my arm to remind myself that I'm not dreaming and I actually live there.

Yesterday I finally bought a car, (if you want to read about car shopping woes, you can click here).  Its a cute little Ford Focus hatchback. What occurred to me when I brought the tiny compact car home, is that it would actually fit in the garage!  My dinosaur Ford Escape most certainly does NOT fit in the garage (note garage on side of house, see how tiny it is?  The SUV technically fits... you just can't open the door to get out of the car).  So for the last 6 months I've been parked outside whilst hubby enjoys the warmth and convenience of our attached garage.  

When I mentioned to hubby that my new car would now fit in our teeny tiny garage, he said, "stay out of my garage!".  

Now I didn't think that was very fair.  Why do I have to shovel snow (which is established as hubby territory, I clean the INSIDE of the house, and he cleans the OUTSIDE.. with exception to the gardens, which we mutilate together), while he gets to zoom in and out of the garage without scraping a centimeter of ice off his window?  

Being the fair diplomatic person that I am, I suggested to hubby that we SHARE the garage.  Even though I really don't want to share.  I want it all to myself.

Hubby said NO!  Can you believe it?  He won't even SHARE!  Chivalry is dead in my house.

However, I get home from work first, so we will see.  I pick the car up on Tuesday.  We will do a test garage run and see what happens.  The only downside that I can see is that he knows how to re-program the garage remotes so technically he could "lock" me out and I would have to go inside to hit the button... but I would, because I'm spiteful like that.

I can't believe he won't share.

LOL... for real.

This morning I read a post over at Stinky Dog that made me giggle. While quietly sitting in my office catching up on my blog reading (This has been a two day process, MY you people are chatty lately), I giggle. People are staring at me through the windows of my fish-bowl office so I try to stifle it but this is really funny stuff. It then occurs to me how often in a day I write the words LOL but don't really mean them. It doesn't really mean laugh out LOUD anymore does it? It means... I appreciate your sense of humor, or I slapped this on the end of my text to show you that really I'm joking (ok... no really I'm not... your haircut really is a disaster... I just put the lol on the end to make you feel better). It means I'm trying to make you feel like your quip or quote was entertaining in some small way.

So how do we REALLY say laugh-out-loud? ROTFLMAO seems a bit much. its a lot of letters. HAHAHA doesn't really seem appropriate either. And it's kind of generic and makes me feel silly when I write it. I've decided that I need to improve on poor, misused lol. It's become like the word love. We use it all the time in the wrong context, (much like my grammar)... I really LOVE that show, or I LOVE that tattoo you just got on the side of your neck (boy are you going to regret THAT later), or I LOVE that purse (ok.. bad example... I really DO love that purse).

We are not going to re-invent the wheel here. Just an improvement. Here's what I'm considering:

• rlol - for Really Laughing Out loud.
• twsf - for That Was Super Funny
• omgig - OMG I giggled.
• suyaggmf - for Shut-Up You Are Going To Get Me Fired
• ijscoms - for I just Spit Coffee All Over My Screen

So what do you think? Do you think I can revolutionize a world that talks with their thumbs?

I realize that with my long ab senses, most of you have found better things to read, but if you should pop in to say hello, go over and check out Stinky Dog. She has a sense of humor a lot like mine, but she has better grammar. You'll like it. lol.

Car Shopping Woes

My faithful steed - the lovely Ford Escape - is nearing the end of its vehicle life. Not only is it costing me a fortune in gas... it's falling apart and in need of extensive TLC. Rather than bring her back to life, I've decided she would look much better recycled into some new and interesting form of life - a second career so to speak. Which means we are now car shopping.

I though it would be fun. It's been a while since I've had to do it, and for the first time I have an income that can support new car shopping... or so I thought. Day 1 had me so depressed I was beginning to think about learning how to jog and running the 25kms to work every day. However, I would be sweaty and icky and would probably have to leave at 2am, so that's out.

Cars are so expensive, and dealerships are pushing financing for up to 84 months. EIGHTY-FOUR MONTHS! That's like.... SEVEN YEARS. Have you ever owned the same vehicle for SEVEN YEARS?

Trying to be environmentally responsible I was originally was looking for a hybrid or some other fuel-conscious car (one large enough to fit the dog of course, because lets face it, she is my most frequent passenger... the girls at Tim Hortons keep cookies behind the counter for her), only to find out to my shock, that I can't AFFORD to be environmentally conscious. Being environmentally smart means an additional $10, 000. Currently I am balancing that with the rumor that fuel is supposed to reach $1.50 / Litre this summer. Either way its a financial gamble.

Very few of the vehicles I would consider actually ended up in my price range. I loooooove the new focus hatchback, but am coming to the realization that if I buy the fuel-efficiant-spaceship-looking-wonder-car, I can't afford to eat. Sooooo.

The Verdict:

We are now USED car shopping. Not nearly as fun, and definitely not as fuel efficient. I have resigned myself to buying a temporary car while I squirrel away more nuts for a larger down payment.

Chop it up to bad planning and unrealistic expectations. You would think I would have learned by now,

Top Ten Reasons Why Breakfast is Awesome

10. For the obvious reason... It's bloody good for you, so just eat it! (Well, except for maybe that waffle... it's probably not so good for you... although blueberries ARE a super fruit...)

9. I have never met a breakfast food that I didn't like. I could eat cereal for every meal, and am an egg fanatic.

8. Breakfast is the ultimate comfort food. It's impossible to be sad when you're eating it.

7. Have you ever dipped your bacon in maple syrup? It's better than crack.

6. It's the cheapest meal of the day. Unless you're eating steak and eggs. You can buy a whole box of pancake mix for a $1.

5. No one lets you eat cake for breakfast, but no one has a problem with syrup saturated flap jacks and strudel. I bet if cake and syrup went head to head on a sugar count, the syrup would win.

4. Eggs are the most versatile food on the planet. You can put anything in them and call it gourmet. (Eggs aren't just for breakfast anymore, but we don't need to tell anyone).

3. Try buttering your pancake and then sprinkling brown sugar on top. The brown sugar gets saturated and makes this lovely thick gooey mess that makes your teeth hurt when you eat it. Sometimes I put peaches on and then the sugar so that I can feel like I'm eating something healthy instead of flour, butter, and sugar.

2. There are 24 hour all you can eat breakfast places... but no 24 hour all you can eat dinner places. Ever try to get a plate of spaghetti at 3am? No? I bet you have no trouble finding an omelet. I recommend greasy spoon diners. Mm mm greasy.

1. A yummy breakfast ensures you start the day with a smile on your face. If it goes downhill from there, it's your own fault!

The world of Pern

I was first introduced to the world of Pern when I was a young girl. I read Dragonflight for the first time at the age of 12 and was immediately and irrecovably in love. I used to dream of having a dragon of my very own and frequently named my pets after characters in the stories, (I once had a salamander named Ruth- however things got complicated because my beloved grandmother's name was also Ruth and she was quite put out by sharing her name with a slimy critter... I also didn't have the heart to tell her that, in the book, Ruth is a BOY dragon!).

The world of Pern was created by the late Anne McCaffrey, who sadly left us in November of 2011. The entire world is based on a group of human colonists from earth and how their culture develops as they settle their new home. Everything seems perfect with their new home until they discover the menacing Thread which is an organism that falls from the sky and eats everything biological in its path! Genetisists create the dragons out of a smaller life form that exists in the natural ecosystem of Pern, and these are used to combat the Thread. The story begins hundreds of years later when all technology is lost and only stories remain of the original landing of the settlers.

I recently began re-reading the series in anticipation of a movie that is scheduled to go into production sometime this year. You can read more about the movie here, but so far I'm very excited. Some small part of me knows that the world of Pern on the big screen could never be as wonderous as in my imagination, but I can't help feeling like a little kid at Christmas to see my childhood fantasies come to life.

If you are not a science fiction / fantasy geek like me, I encourage you to read them anyway. If for no other reason than to appreciate the enourmous talent and descriptive literatary genious that was Anne McCaffrey. The world is a darker place without her, but she will live on in our imaginations.

P.S. ----> Anne, if you can hear this - please let Santa know that I still would very much like a dragon for Christmas, a Queen if he can manage it, but I'm not picky.

Love Jewels

The Room

I downloaded this book on my kindle, not knowing much about it, and let me tell you, am I ever glad I did. The entire premise of the story is just brilliant. I started reading it in the bath the other night, and then 3 hours later I sneezed and finally noticed that the water had gone cold some time ago and that I had totally lost touch with reality - It's that good.

The plot takes place around a boy, whose entire existence is the 11x11 square foot room he was born in. His mother has been a captive there for the last seven years and has raised him solely using the few books she has and her memory. I won't tell you much more and spoil it for you but the amount of detail the author gives in the telling of this wonderful but dark story makes the characters become a part of you as you read it. I couldn't go to sleep until I had finished the last page.

The ramifications of such a childhood are endless. Every time I think about the world that the author had to dream up I'm amazed. It is a heart-warming story about a mothers love for her child, and how she will stop at nothing to make sure that child is safe, secure and happy.

Have you read it?

Apple Chiffon Cake

I was going to make blueberry cobbler today, but discovered I only had 4 cups of blueberries, not 6. I did however, have 2 delicious looking apples and made this:

It looked better before we ate half of it.

Apple Chiffon Cake

Cake

1/3 cup light vegetable oil

3/4 cup sugar

2 eggs

3/4 cup all purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon ginger ( I was out so I substitued pumkin pie spice)

1 cup finely chopped apples

Topping

2 tablespoons sugar ( i used brown sugar)

2 tablespoons finely chopped walnuts

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Heat oven to 350F

For cake - combine oil and sugar in large bowl. beat at medium speed until mixed. Add eggs; beat well.

Combine flour, baking powder, salt, baking soda, nutmeg and ginger in small bowl. Add to oil mixture. Beat just until blended. Stir in apples. Spread in ungreased 9 inch square pan.

For Topping - combine sugar, nuts, and cinnamon in small bowl. Sprinkle over batter. Bake at 350F for 25 to 30 min until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Serve warm or at room temp.

Mission: Purse Minimization

Last week I was reading a post about purses and the junk we keep in them over here at Carolina's called Reading Handbags. This post, of course, made me think about what I keep in my own handbag and why I keep it there. Carolina is a minimalist, while I am most definitely NOT, but greatly admire. I was going to take a picture of my purse so that you could understand the self-made chaos I battle on a daily basis, but am too embarrassed. Particularly by the jar of Dry Garlic sauce which made it in there last week (it rolled out of the grocery bag in the truck) which has STILL not made it out of my purse and into the house. So I have stolen the lovely picture of a most coveted lap-top bag, (which I really really want... imagine what I could pack in THERE) from here. If you are at all interested in girly bags you should check it out because they are exceptionally awesome, if pricey.

In my purse right now:

• 14 receipts which need to be filed with the rental stuff


• wallet - jammed with more things that need to be filed and one speeding ticket which should probably be paid soon


• 1 jar of dry garlic sauce.


• 2 household bills which need to be filed.


• random make-up that is there for emergencies which i never seem to need


• a package of pens - you never know when you'll need 3 ball point pens all at the same time


• my blackberry


• a pair of mittens


• a gift certificate for a clothing store


• a receipt book


• a recipe for cake balls (this looks really good)


• pay stub


• earrings


• hair clips\


• 3 different colours of lip gloss


• a calculator


• small bottle of Tylenol

Wow. It looks really bad when you write it all down. Its a wonder that I don't need back surgery. Why do I need all of this? I don't. Particularly the dry garlic sauce. For someone who has a purse buying addiction you'd think I'd be more organized.

I'm not even going to TELL you what's in my laptop bag.

Mission: Purse Minimization!

• Find laptop/purse combo so I can only have ONE bag full of junk instead of two.


• Clean out and file stuff that most definitely does NOT belong in said bag.


• Make spare ribs with dry garlic sauce


• put business paperwork where it belongs to make tax time a little less frantic

I have printed off this list and put it in the purse. I realize that this is probably the wrong idea, but putting it in the laptop bag practically guarantees that I'll never see it again.

What a perfect excuse to go purse shopping.

Fia The Destructor Part II

If you've been reading for a while, you've seen my earlier post about Fia's Destructive Tendencies, and you know that she is nearly the perfect dog... until you leave her alone. In an attempt to curb her destructive enthusiasm, we started crating her while we were at work. The first steel crate she had lasted 3 whole months before she bent the bars so much that she was able to climb out of the top of the crate and escape. Did I mention she was Houdini reincarnated? She has also figured out how to open every latch, clip, door, slide bar and hook in existence. Or she just eats them, you know, whatever is easier. Unfortunately I didn't take pictures of the first crate. The second crate looks like this --->

She had a hard time bending the bars, (she only weighs 20lbs), so she was forced to lick and drool on them until they rusted for easier breakage. This crate also lasted 6 months and had to be wired back together several times after Houdini escaped.

I always feel guilty locking her in such a small crate. Even though that is the size the vet recommends she has and says it's perfectly fine. To ease my guilt, hubby suggested we buy a gate for the downstairs "closet" and she could stay in there. The "closet" is the full length of the den and 6 and a half feet wide. I felt much better about this. I could envision her playing with her toys and having a gay ole' time while we were at work.

On day one, she figured out how to work the gate latch, which is pretty impressive considering it's 4 feet of the ground and she is less than 2 feet high. We then used a clip, like you would see on a dog leash, to secure the lock. She ate that on day 2. We then wired together the latch. She couldn't quite figure that one out so on day 3 she just ate a hole right through the chain link fence material on the gate. It isn't plastic either.

Hubby wired the hole closed in the brand new $75 gate and we tried again. Nothing happened for several days. It was then that we noticed dry wall dust on the carpet and took a look inside the crate. She had been scratching at the wall to try to open the door. Luckily our new wired latch seemed to be holding. About 2 weeks in she figured out that if she tried hard enough, she could jump over the 4 ft high gate, so hubby secured a piece of plywood over top to keep her in.

At this point I'm just frustrated. I love the dog dearly, but am terrified that she will eat the whole house when we're gone.

Last week I left work early because Fia had a vet appointment. I opened the front door and there she was, tail wagging, with a big, excuse the expression, shit-eating grin. I went down stairs to see the destruction and it turns out she had become frustrated with trying to escape through the gate and decided to eat her way through the wall. She had eaten through not one, but TWO layers of drywall. There was a little pile of drywall dogie puke sitting on the carpet, and her feet were covered in dust. Good thing we were going to the vet.

I was already running late and didn't have time to clean her up so we jumped into the truck and rushed over. The vet looked at her drywall caked feet, and looked at me as if to say, "what the hell have you been doing to this dog!" I carefully explained the entire story, including the reason for the crating. Halfway into the story he started to look sympathetic. By the time I was done he was shaking his head and his mouth was hanging open. "What should I do?" I asked. He looked at me, scratched his head, and said, "normally I would never suggest this, but have you thought about tranquilizers?"

Not excited about having a dog who was stoned all the time, I went home without the drugs. Hubby went to Home Depot and bought some plywood to cover all the walls inside the crate. She is continuing to eat holes in the gate and escaped again today. Hubby will go back to Home Depot and find something to cover the door.

It started out so nice. A pretty little gate, and a nice clean kennel. Now it looks like Dr Frankenstein bought a house and this is what happened.

Note how she somehow managed to eat the edge of the carpet, and bend the little Simpson's Fence sign from INSIDE the kennel. Suggestions, anyone?

She doesn't LOOK like Houdini, does she?

I am such a 6 year old

Parents of the year bought The Boy the best gift ever. Skylanders! A better photographer would have taken a picture of the Christmas excitement or the actual present, but I took this --->

The boy brought skylanders over when he visited last weekend. On Friday night we watched him play a bit, and it looked like good fun, but I was happy when it was time to turn it off and we could move on to other things. Saturday morning, The Boy got up early and spent the morning patiently chatting with me while I fixed breakfast, and then tentatively asked.. "do you want to come and play Skylanders with me? You can play with two players!" Super unexcited but happy he wanted to spend time together, I went with him. 15 minutes later I was hooked. 4 hours later hubby came down stairs to say it was lunch time and to ask us if we planned on eating... 5 hours later we took a break to run to walmart and get more Skylanders so we could get more stuff in the game. At 10 we guiltily went upstairs to find Hubby... it was New Years Eve after all! All my careful planning for games and fun went down the tubes as we had blown the whole day playing video games. However, I have never seen ANYTHING hold The Boy`s attention for this long. Not even the precious IPOD.

Sunday morning we got up and played until he had to leave, taking the game with him. I`ve been in withdrawel ever since.

What the heck is a Skylander you ask? It`s this ---»

I tried to go buy one for myself, but they are sold out all over the place. I am patiently waiting for the boy to come back on Friday... so I can play with his toys!

A Present For Me? You Shouldn't Have!

I love Christmas. I've always loved Christmas. I still can't sleep on Christmas Eve, and I still wake up way too early on Christmas morning. No one, however, loves Christmas more than Fia.

This is her opening her present from Hubby's parents on Christmas morning. I thought it silly, at first, to wrap presents for the dog, but after watching her hilarious display of excitement I am a reformed pet owner. She somehow knows that the presents are not to be touched until she's told to, even though I'm sure the rawhide treats smell delicious through the wrapping paper. She carefully pulls the wrapping paper off in pieces to get to her treat. It's like watching a four year old open toys. The look of betrayal when you take the whole package away after she's done opening it and only give her one piece back is priceless. Like she won the lottery and then had to split it with 50 other people. If she was a person I would explain to her that eating 30 rawhide sticks all at once would make her sick, but this is the dog that will eat anything. She even likes broccoli. And onions.

I realize now that I am slowly becoming one of those pet owners that treats their dog like people (you know, those ones that I usually make fun of). However, I draw the line at dogie clothes. That's just ridiculous.

It's just a freaking coffee maker!

Hubby has hummed and hawed about getting a tassimo or a keurig for some time. A really long time. Way longer than the usual century he spends mulling over a purchase of this nature. Last Christmas he decided that he thought he may want one, someday, and if he was to purchase one, hypothetically, he was sure he would get the use out of it. Hubby drinks a lot of coffee... A LOT of coffee... and tassimo runs at about 5o cents per cup. Which adds up. Hubby, being the thrifty man that he is reluctantly agreed that this was probably not the coffee maker for him. (I should mention at this point that whatever store we are in, hubby must ALWAYS look for a new coffee maker... it's sort of a compulsive thing). So last Christmas I decided against buying him one and everyone was satisfied.

Recently his boss brought a Keurig to work. Hubby bought some cups for it and quickly became addicted to the smooth richness that is brewed out of the tiny contraption. Hubby began talking about how much he loved it, and how he wanted one REALLY bad. I, being the caring soul that I am, secretly bought him one for xmas, wrapped it, and put it under the tree. Two weeks later, I found it at another store for $30 cheaper, so I ran home, unwrapped it, returned it, in favour of the exact same, but cheaper, Keurig. That same day I had a lovely conversation with hubby in which he mentioned how the Keurig fanaticism was wearing off and how he didn't really need one after all. So now it's the week before xmas and I have no gift ideas. AHHH. I ended up purchasing tickets to see American Idiot (which hubby has been talking about for a long time) instead. On xmas morning, everything was fine until the end of the present opening came and hubby said..."what, no Keurig?" I nearly lost my mind.

Hubby: Well can you get me one?

Me: NO! I've already spent enough, and the tickets are not refundable

Hubby: But I REALLY want one.

Me: Than you will REALLY have to get it yourself.

Later that day we arrived at his sisters house for supper and he noticed that his sister had received a Tassimo for xmas. This started the moaning and groaning all over again. Why, oh why didn't HE get a coffee maker?

Even later that day we arrived at my fathers, opened our gift, and beheld the glorious, the beauteous, Tassimo coffee maker extraordinaire! Hubby was properly grateful. I was relieved that xmas was saved and everyone was now satisfied, and life went on as it should.

I would like to note here that hubby really was grateful for the tickets, he simply wanted the coffee maker ALSO. And thanks to my dad and step mum for saving the day.

Also the coffee is good.

Really good.

Worth the 50 cents.

I'd pay a dollar

(shhh.... don't tell).

Cheers.

picture shamelessly stolen from here

Definitely A Kitchen Aid

When hubby asked what I wanted for Christmas this year, I promptly answered - with no hesitation - A Kitchen Aid Mixer.

Hubby: Really?

Me: Yes. Really.

Hubby: Is this some sort of trick?

Me: No... why would it be a trick?

Hubby: You mean, when you open it and it's not a puppy or a video game you're not going to be disappointed?

Me: Absolutely not! Do you have any idea how much easier this is going to make my life?

Hubby: Ya. Right. 10 bucks says you use it once and then it sits there collecting dust for the next 25 years.

Me: Doubtful.

I don't think my case was very convincing, however, as weeks went by and hubby noticed me leaving out fliers displaying my coveted mixer, I believe he finally considered buying me one. And low and behold, on xmas morning, I opened a tiny box that looked like this ----->

I thought at first that it was a cruel joke (hubby's intention), but quickly came to the realization that he was simply too lazy to wrap the huge heavy box and so cut out the picture from the flier and wrapped it in one of my crafting boxes, (the contents of which he dumped out on the shelf). I am proud of him for excersizing his creativity to such an extent. It always amazes me when he does so... that and the enourmous amount of effort he will expend by picking up a sock with his toes to avoid having to bend over. It really is incredible. But I digress.

Here is my treasure ---->

Isn't it lovely? So far I've made mashed potatoes, 2 loaves of banana bread, biscuits, chocolate cake with butter cream frosting. YUM. It makes everything much easier and faster. If you don't own one, you should.

Welcome Back

I didn't make many resolutions this year, but this blog is definitely one of them. I hereby resolve to take at least one daily photo, and blog at least twice per week. I will do this for the entire year, come hell or highwater (<--- who came up with that expression anyway?).

Now that business is out of the way, I should tell you that this picture is of the stone in my front garden. Pretty huh? Thank god the people who owned this house before me knew how to garden.

Also part of the New Years tradition, is my goal to be healthier. After the last year of hell, this will not be a challenge. I worked way too much, and ate horribly as a result of it. When I wasn't working, I was in a zombie-like-coma until the alarm went off again. It was dreadful. However, my boss has promised me that things will be looking up for me in the new year, so here I am, making promises. Fingers crossed.

Not only am I making promises for myself, but also my furry four-legged fiend, Fia. It's -1 degree outside but we tortured ourselves by sneaking out for some fresh air anyway. See ---->

She had much more fun than I.

Happy New Year Everyone

How many computers does it take to print one report?

Technology is taking over. It's everywhere! I can't escape.

A while back when hubby was off work, he decided to go back to school for computer stuff. He already knew way more than I ever will, but decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

In our house (the house in which only TWO people live). There are 4 computers. Plus 2 laptops that we both use for work bringing the total to SIX. SIX computers. For TWO people. Even if we gave one to each of the cats and the dog, that would still be too many.

On Tuesday I had a presentation to finish for school. I couldn't prepare it on my home laptop, because hubby had formatted it sometime ago and never re-installed Microsoft office. So I used my work laptop. Everything was fine until it came time to print. I couldn't print off of my work laptop because the printer was not networked to it, only the house computers. I should mention at this point that hubby was at work, and unable to help. So I decided to put it on a memory stick and take it down stairs to the computer that was connected to the printer. When I turned it on, I was prompted for a password, (we keep all of our computers secure in case the cats try to steal our banking information... they're sneaky like that). I called Hubby and requested the password. He said that Windows was not working properly on it, and it needed to be fixed so I couldn't use it anyway.

I tried to plug my work laptop directly into the printer. No luck. My work security profile would not let me add the printer without administrative access.

I was then late for class. I attempted to remove the memory stick from the computer and ended up damaging it. Sigh. I ran around the house trying to find another and EUREKA! Success! I found one in my scrap table. I re-saved the file from my work laptop onto the new stick. I then went to the school to print off my presentation. Late is better than never right? I tried to put the stick into the school computer, but it was too big! The fancy plastic design didn't fit in the school computers! At this point I figured God was testing me and it became a personal challenge to PRINT THE DAMN REPORT.

Luckily I had brought my laptop with me, Ba-da-da-DA! The plan was to email the presentation to myself, and then open my email on the school computer to print the report. Unfortunately, I couldn't access the schools WiFi due to security problems with my work laptop. OH MY GOD.

So. I packed everything up, drove home, emailed the presentation to myself, drove BACK to school, logged on to the computer, printed the report, and ran to class.

I got in trouble for being late. I tried to explain... but lets be realistic. Would YOU believe that story? This is what happens to procrastinators who waste their entire vacation and leave the report writing for the last day. Sigh. I hope she doesn't fail me.

It took 7 computers, two internet signals, 2 printers, 2 people, 1 car, 20 kilometers, $3 dollars worth of gas, 3 hours, 2 trips through the construction zone, 2 memory sticks, and a whole lot of patience to print one report. How is that possible?

The Practice of Writing - A New Experiment

Since I got my Sony Book Reader, I've been trading in most of my novels at the local Used Book Store, Book Brothers. I've managed to save up around $200 in credit by trading in all my books. Not needing to use the store credit for novels, I decided to poke around the non-fiction section to look for crafty books. After finding a number of art related books to take, I stumbled upon The Practice Of Writing by Robert Shcoles and Nancy Comley. It appears to be a text used for college English courses. Recalling my many, many posts regarding my poor writing ability and lack of grammar, I decided that maybe this book could help me actually DO something about my problem. Perhaps I can learn to express myself better. That being said, I've decided you will all be my evil guinea pigs. I will post the suggested assignment here and if you are so inclined, you can critique. I will still be writing my regular posts as well. This has not turned into a writing blog. These posts are meant to be a short-term experiment only. Be gentle, I have no self-esteem.

Assignment:

Part A) Assume that you are in a small group of people that you have just gotten to know and like. There are only three or four of you sitting around, relaxed. Maybe it is late at night. Because you are getting to know one another, you have been taking turns telling about the most frightening or impressive experiences in your life-a time when you encountered danger of death or injury, fear of pain or disgrace, threat of violence or accident, or something of equal importance, which you will never forget.

Set this down on paper exactly as you would tell it to the group.

I chose to tell the story of the time when Hubby almost burnt down our house. Here is part A:

Last spring we had gone to a party at a co-workers house. We ate, we drank, we made merry. Then we left. When we were a few minutes from home, my cell rang. I answered, “Hello?” A deep voice replied,

“Hello mam, this is the Chatham-Kent Fire Department calling.” I was immediately suspicious. Why would the fire department be calling me? Certain that someone was pulling a fast one I said,

“Uh-huh, yeah and I’m the first transvestite Pope. Did Cindy put you up to this?”

“No mam. This really is the Fire Department. And I really am standing outside your door with a very large axe. Are you in the area, or should I break your door down?”

“Um, I’m just around the corner. I’ll be there in 30 seconds. Please do NOT break down my door.”

I couldn’t believe it. Why was the fire department at MY house? I probably would have been humiliated at this point without the large amount of alcohol in my blood stream.
We turned the corner and there they were, along with all my “concerned” neighbors. I walked up to the man with the very large axe and said, “Hello, if you promise to put the big axe down, I’ll open the door for you”. I could hear the smoke detector screaming inside. “Can anyone tell me what happened?”

A neighbor, whose name I STILL do not know replied, “We heard the smoke detector going off and no one was home. We called the fire department just in case. Hope your cats are ok. Neighbor Dave had your cell number and the fireman said we could call before they broke your door down.”

“Err. Thanks,” I said. They probably just wanted the annoying sound to go away. The fire-fighters trudged all over my carpet with their muddy boots and discovered a candle burning, which had eventually set off the smoke detector right above it. No fires, but we were lucky. I remember shaking the fireman’s hand while simultaneously beating hubby into a pulp with the other, (he left the candle burning).

I still haven’t got the mud out of the carpet.

Assignment Part B: After you complete the first part of the assignment, imagine that in English class you are asked to write a paper about the same experience "in the third person". That is, you must tell the same story, but in this version the central figure should be yourself seen from the outside and called "he" or "she" rather than "I." This is a more formal and extraordinary ind of writing, further removed from and ordinary speech situation.

Here is part B:


She was smiling as they drove. They were laughing, and recalling funny bits of the evening, quoting outrageous one-liners and feeling merry. Unexpectedly, her cell phone rang. She picked it up and said, “Hello?”
A deep voice replied, “Hello mam, this is the Chatham-Kent Fire department calling.”
She was immediately suspicious. Why would the fire department be calling her? She was certain that the friends they left behind at the party decided to play a practical joke on her.
“Uh-huh,” she said in a voice dripping with sarcasm, “and I’m the first transvestite Pope. Did Cindy put you up to this?”
“No mam,” the man replied in a serious tone. Then, “This really IS the Fire Department. And I really AM standing outside your door with a very large axe. Are you in the area, or should I break your door down?”
Her heart race increased, and she began to panic. Was her house on fire? What was going on? Is this a joke gone too far?
“I’m just around the corner. I’ll be there in 30 seconds,” she said. “Please do NOT break down my door!”
She couldn’t believe it, but the sense that this was a plot by her friends seemed more and more unlikely. She filled her boyfriend in on the situation as they drove the few short blocks to the house. The fire department was parked on the street and her neighbors were standing outside. She would have liked to believe it was for her own best interests, but it seemed unlikely due to the fact that she disliked most of them and avoided all of them like the plague.
“Can anyone tell me what happened?” She said.
A nameless neighbor, who she believed lived next door, replied, “We heard the smoke detector going off and no one was home. We called the fire department just in case. Hope your cats are ok. Neighbor Dave had your cell number and the fireman said we could call you before they broke your door down.”
“Err. Thanks,” she said. As she turned the key in the door she could hear the blaring of the offending smoke detector. As she opened the door, the fireman pushed by her and into the house. Their boots made muddy tracks across her light-colored carpet.
A lit candle was found in the living room, which had set of f the detector above it. There were no fires, but she felt relief at their luck. She shook the fireman’s hand with one hand, and smacked her boyfriend with the other. It was he, after all, who had left the candle burning.
She ushered everyone out of the house and closed the door. Looking at the mud on the carpet she thought, ‘I’ll NEVER get that out.’

I had a hard time writing the second part. When you are writing and not "talking" more descriptive words are needed, and much more background. I had difficulty keeping it short enough to make a decent size post out of. Hopefully you are not all cursing me for the lengthy post. Let me know what you think of my experiment, or if I'm wasting your time. The last thing I want to do is put anyone to sleep. Perhaps you will want to play along with me.

Top 10 Things I need to get through the day

10. A creative outlet. A way to express the billion ideas that go through my head on a given day. Like this blog, or scrapbooking, or developing an elaborate practical joke to play on my coworkers... like taping over the laser on everyones computer mice, changing the letters around on keyboards... or taking the wheels of rolling chairs and waiting for the crash. Such a satisfying sound.

9. A To-Do list. This is critical. Without written instructions I will procrastinate for eternity.... like I'm doing right now!

8. Exercise. Without it I'm cranky and generally sleepy. It also allows me some much needed down time and helps me to feel better about myself. Lately I've been so busy it's hard to fit more than the nightly stroll with the puppy, but I'm headed back to the gym as soon as vacation starts. I really miss it.

7. A quick game of be-jeweled. Warning: It's addictive. It does keep my brain stimulated and relaxes me at the same time. When I'm playing I'm in the zone.

6. A quick huff on the crack pipe... ok, not really, but I had you going there.

5. A bowl of cereal. Really. No Joke. Cereal really should be in a food category all by itself.

4. My morning coffee.

3. My afternoon coffee.

2. My after supper coffee... are you seeing a trend here?

1. A good night kiss from Hubby. I know you never read this, but you make my day.

Oh Funny, Where Art Thou?

I've lost my funny. Do you know where it is?

I always thought of myself as having a good sense of humor. It's part of my charm, created by the desire to make my parents laugh instead of fight. Laughter eases the tension. Now that I've gotten to the point in my life where things are relatively stable, I'm happy, I have a good job.. the funny just seemed to slip right out of me. Perhaps now that I'm not in a constant state of panic I've gotten lazy? Maybe I need stress to be funny. I suppose I could find some. What if I ran into my boss' office and told him off? That would create tension, and then maybe I could make a joke about that! I am kinda laughing just thinking about how purple his face gets when he's really, really mad. Plus, he has a shaved head so I get a real kick out of watching the veins pop out of his head like an inflating water hose.

Maybe I could send out a mass email detailing what I had for lunch today, see what responses I get and make a joke about that!

Good Afternoon Everyone:

This is just a quick note to tell you all that I really enjoyed my lunch today. The grapes were particularly delish. That's all. You can go back to work now.

I feel like my posts lately are sub-standard. I mean, if I'm not funny, people will focus on my lack of grammar, spelling ability, and my obvious misuse of the English language in general. (I just noticed yesterday that blogger has spell check... so now I'm un-funny AND un-observant). Maybe the pressure to write a good post will bring my funny back. Lets give it a try...

Once upon a time there was a hippopotamus who felt discriminated against because she really wanted to be a flight attendant, but company policy stated that all animals must be contained in the cargo area of the plane....

Not very funny. I know. See? I think I've lost it forever. I wonder what happened? I think I'm burnt out. Vacation is coming. Maybe my funny will come back then. Also I think those business law classes are affecting my brain. Discrimination? Really? Out of all the things I could have chose, I picked workplace discrimination? Oh Elvis, do they even MAKE therapy for that?