Here's an update:
Mystery Substance on bedroom wall looks suspiciously like vomit, but cam off with much scrubbing.
Marker on carpet came off with some serious heavy duty steam cleaning.
Hockey Stickers are unfortunately still there.
Fridge and stove still need to be cleaned
Bathroom - bleach has brought the science experiment to an unfortunate end. However, now that the science experiment has been allowed to continue for so long, the bathroom walls, floor and ceiling are now rotted and need to be replaced. This will happen as soon as I win the lottery.
We've changed the locks and done some other minor repairs. My lovely neighbour has been cutting the grass for us. See? Chivalry is not dead!
I forgot to mention that the entire front and side porches smell strongly of cat urine. Yum. Does anyone know how to get rid of that? Apparently soap and water are not enough. I have lovely hedges that I would rather not cut down.. but I will if it gets rid of that god-awful stench!
Sigh. Back to work!